Classic Rant #518 (June 3, 2011): Taylor/Burton On Big Screen?

The fascination the world continues to have about the love affair between actors Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton might find its way onto the big screen.

Reports are that a movie based on the book "Furious Love", about the twosome's love affairs, marriages, and divorces, might be in the works. Martin Scorcese is supposedly involved in this possible project.

Heaven knows what sense making a movie of this stuff makes for Paramount, which hopes to have this film under its monicker, but speculation is already rampant about who will portray the luscious Taylor and the boozing Burton.

All the studio has to do is to come to me. I can help them out with some suggestions. Here are the positives and negatives of these suggestions:

Natalie Portman: A fine actress, but way too skinny--and young--to play Taylor.

Angelina Jolie: See above.

Brad Pitt: Might be a decent choice, but he would have to wear lots of makeup to approximate Burton.

George Clooney: Another decent choice, but he is way better looking than Burton ever was.

Tom Cruise: No way. The guy can't act, never could, and his last couple of movie bombs show that he may be on the short side of his career right now.

Pamela Anderson: No, sorry, too phony and no talent at all (no, not even there--they're fake!).

Jennifer Anniston: The most overrated actress in Hollywood. She's too skinny, too.

Ah-Nold: The former governor would have to trade his Austrian accent for a British one. He may have had the lines that made Maria and that other woman swoon, but it won't work here.

Anthony Weiner: Way too skinny, and it isn't proven yet whether he has some problems that go way beyond his congressional district.

Jane Lynch: A good actress, but she is, well, too ... manly? Nah, she wouldn't be a good Burton either.

Beyonce: What did Michael Jackson use to make his skin color look lighter? Nah, it won't work here.

Donald Trump: I can't image it, and he would have to do something with his hair.

Derek Jeter: I think Minka Kelly might mind.

Minka Kelly: I think Derek Jeter would mind, especially if he wasn't cast as Burton.

My wife and I: Nope. She could definitely pull off Taylor--she has the look and the build--but me, nope, I don't have the hair and I don't drink, slap around my wife, or fool around with other women.

As you can see, the possibilities are endless ...