Rant #2,419: Summer In the City

Welcome to the summer doldrums.

We have finally reached August 1, the 213th day of the year--in leap years, it is the 214th day of the year--and we are officially in what many call the "dog days" of summer.

Why is this period called the "dog days" of summer? What do dogs have to do with it?

I believe it has to do with a latin phrase, but you can bet it refers to how dogs laze around when it is hot and sultry outside, panting to make themselves cool.

That might be an unfair reference as far as dogs are concerned, but we also have the phrase "three dog night," which refers to using dogs to make warmth during bitter cold evenings, so the dogs it is.

You won't find that with cats, that's for sure.

Anyway, since we have established that it is the "dog days" of summer--when it is ultra-hot outside and all anyone wants to do is to either go swimming or laze around in the air conditioning--what does one do during these "lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer" to stay cool, or at least, be cool.

Well, one can eat mustard flavored ice cream.

Yes, French's, best known for its yellow mustard but also the maker of other condiments, is releasing mustard ice cream this Saturday, but you can only get it in New York and Los Angeles.

Why anyone would want a mustard-flavored icc cream is beyond me, but I guess the thought is that you eat your summer hot dog with French's mustard all over it, so it is an almost natural progression to go for a dessert of mustard-flavored ice cream.

As repulsive as this sounds, I bet it is as big a seller as Burger King's bacon ice cream of past summers ... which means if you want it, you better get it now, because it ain't gonna be around for too long.

Once you have had your mustard flavored ice cream, what else can you do to stay cool?

Well, baseball is as American as apple pie--sorry, soccer isn't even on the map, no matter how hard the media pushes it--so why not watch some baseball?

The races are really heating up in the major leagues this summer, and then there are the also rans, the teams that had no chance from day one, and have been putting up loss after loss to justify that belief.

If you have to pick one team to watch while you devour your mustard flavored ice cream, it has to be the Baltimore Orioles.

This team--one of baseball's best from the 1960s through the 1990s--has fallen on the hardest of times, and it looks like they are once again on the path to lose well more than 100 games this season.

The Orioles have baseball's worst record at 36-71, so if you project that over a full season, they will wind up with about 54 wins this season, which would give them 108 losses.

Last season, they lost an incredible 115 games, ending up at 47-115, so if they continue at their present pace, they will win seven more games than last year, so at least you can say that they are an improving team, I guess.

And once you are done with the Orioles and the ice cream, what can you watch on television in your air conditioned dwelling--you will certainly need some comfort after watching the Orioles and eating mustard flavored ice cream.

Well, since there isn't much on to watch that even mildly piques ones' interest in the doldrums of summer, why not watch one of TV's all-time most popular shows in reruns.

If nothing more, you can chill out while you watch the actors parade around in heavy suits and long dresses. That should keep you cool when you are in court with "Perry Mason."

The show has become the fall-back program for my wife and I when there is absolutely nothing on TV to watch, and since it ran for nine years on CBS, from 1957 to 1966--all in black and white except for one episode--you can find plenty to watch by tuning into this series, which is being shown by several retro networks this summer, including MeTV.

In the series, popular Los Angeles lawyer Perry Mason, and his veritable staff including legal secretary Dells Street and Paul Drake, the private investigator with connections up the wazoo, take on one case after another.

When one needed a top-flight lawyer, Mason was the one, a veritable legal super hero who was impervious to the bullets shot at him by district attorney Hamilton Burger.

I mean, over nine years, Mason lost just one case, and he did it all in black and white, wearing heavy suits that made Raymond Burr look even more imposing than he really was.

But if you want to watch the veritable mother of all court dramas, this is it, and it is on seven days a week.

So there you have it, several ways to keep cool during the dog days of summer.

I mean, you could simply take a cool drink, but heck, everyone does that, and it is so easy to do.

Try watching the Orioles while you eat you mustard flavored ice cream ...

Yes, that would certainly be a case for Perry Mason to solve--

How can one person do those two things at once without choking to death?