Classic Rant #1,265 (August 8, 2014): What's In a Name?

My name is Larry Lapka.

Actually, my name is Lawrence Scott Lapka, but that is another name for another time.

Just call me Larry.

That's my name and I'll stick with it.

Some people, however, don't.

Take former NBA star Ron Artest, who was once Defensive Player of the Year in that league, which is a very big deal, but evidently, his name isn't.

Artest changes his name like some people change underwear--often--and he has done it again.

No, he will not be playing in the NBA this year. He was released last year by the woeful New York Knicks, and if you are released by a team that was really bad last year, well, you are pretty much done.

And yes, Artest is done with the NBA.

For the past few years, he has gone under the name of Metta World Peace.

But he is out of the NBA now, so what name should he go under?

Well, his fate was pretty much sealed when he signed with a team in China.

He has changed his name again, this time to (drum roll please)--

Panda Friend, later updated to The Pandas Friend.

Yes, The Pandas Friend, I guess in honor of the Chinese Panda.

So his first name is The, his middle name is Pandas, and his last name is Friend.

No more Ron Artest, no more Metta World Peace.

Hey, The!

What a name!

And by the way, I have decided to change my name too.

I thought about Barack Obama, but that name is taken.

How about Larry Baseball?

It says on the Internet that during the early days of the Cold War in the 1950s, Russia claimed that we stole their game called "lapka" and turned it into what we know as baseball.

Yes, this is on the Internet, so it must be true.

So I will keep my first name, which I have always liked, but no more "Lapka"; I am now Larry Baseball.

And I have the kujonos to do it. Oh, that means balls.

Larry Baseball ... now I have to convince my wife, son and daughter to do the same name change.

Nah, it won't work.

Back to Larry Lapka.

And Mr. Friend, sorry, I like Ron Artest better, but it's your call.

Speak to Mr. Friend, and you, on Monday.