Classic Rant #786 (August 7, 2012): My Little Town

Yes, that guy you have been reading about who supposedly faked his own drowning and turned up en route to Florida comes from my community on Long Island.

I don't know who he is ... he could live down the street from me, on the other side of the community, or wherever. I don't know the guy.

Funny, my community seems to have been constantly in the news since the 1990s. Ever since the Long Island Lolita story, which became a media event around the world, my little town has become known worldwide as Long Island's most notorious village.

And yes, I knew of Joey B., vaguely remember him in high school, and I remember his then wife, the one who got shot in the head by a deranged lunatic who later became a porn star, strolling around the local Toys R Us with an attendant in tow.

Heck, my little town's reputation as a place for "strange" people actually started decades earlier, when the world's first transsexual, Christine Jorgensen, came out in the 1950s as an oddity for the ages.

And in the 1960s, some of Andy Warhol's brigade came from my little town.

And off and on over the decades, notorious people--like church vixen Jessica Hahn--have called my little town home.

But back to the latest rub on my little town.

This fellow supposedly went into the ocean and never came back. His son reported him missing, and a search and rescue mission was launched, costing thousands of dollars, to find him.

Nobody was found, and the man was thought to be lost. His son called in the original message that his dad was lost, and called the insurance company to tell them about the situation.

But something was awry. The man had just increased his insurance policy, had just lost his job, and had put his house up for sale.

Of course, what unfolded soon after made this whole story what it was--a real fish story for the ages.

Just slightly later, the dad was picked up in South Carolina for speeding. Evidently, he was en route from this timeshare in Orlando--God help me if it is the same timeshare community that my wife and I have interests in--but he was trying to leave a bit too fast.

He was given a ticket, but he was not arrested, because, as the police spokesman from that state said, "It is not a crime to be missing."

All the while, this man was sending emails and other messages to his family.

His wife distanced herself from the whole thing, saying that she had been planning for a funeral when she learned her husband was alive.

The man contacted police, and said he was en route from the South to local police, where he would turn himself in.

He never did, and his whereabouts are uncertain at this moment in time.

In the meantime, the wife claimed that the whole thing was set up by the man's son, her stepson.

And police evidently believe her, as the son was subsequently charged with insurance fraud and filing a false report.

The son's girlfriend believes her boyfriend innocent, stating that he was the "fall guy" for an elaborate plot concocted by the father.

And the man still cannot be found.

What I don't understand is why when this thing got rotten, New York State did not put out a warrant for the man's arrest. In this case, when he was picked up for speeding in South Carolina, the police there could arrest him and have him sent back to New York for his punishment.

Why wasn't this done?

And another thing. The whole thing smelled fishy to me once I found out that the man was supposedly driving away from his timeshare in Orlando.

You just can't drive to your timeshare and expect to get a place to stay just like that. Timeshares in that area are at a premium, and you have to plan months ahead to secure your space.

Timeshares aren't hotels. Even if you have bought into a timeshare, you can't just drive up out of nowhere and expect accommodations.

This all told me that this plot was well planned, had been well planned for at least weeks if not months, and that more people than this particular person were involved.

I don't believe the wife knew about this plot--she sure puts up a good front, if nothing else--and she has hired her own attorney to represent her.

That doesn't put her completely out of the woods, but it casts some doubt on her knowledge of this situation, which is exactly what she wants to do.

The son is in a pickle, because the burden of proof will be on him to present a defense that he was as astonished as his stepmom was that his father was still alive.

And what of the missing man? Where is he? Has he committed suicide, or is he riding around the country, looking for a new hiding place?

Stay tuned, you just know there is more to this than meets the eye.

And you just know that the networks are salivating about this story. It sounds like good fodder for a TV movie.

And what of my little town? Will it survive another round of scrutiny once again.

Sure it will. This imbecile won't do any further damage to an area whose image has been scarred for decades.

But if I see another news truck driving through our streets, I'll scream ...

For mercy. Enough is enough.