Classic Rant #558 (August 12, 2011): Just Friends

Bert and Ernie are just friends.

So says the Sesame Workshop, which oversees the TV show "Sesame Street."

"Bert and Ernie are good friends," the group said in a statement. "They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves ... they remain puppets and do not have a sexual orientation."

So there, take that, you imbeciles who want to corrupt everything you see to fulfill your personal agendas.

The creator of the petition to have Bert and Ernie wed is seeking matrimony for the "Sesame Street" chums as a way to make gay and lesbian kids who watch the show feel better about themselves, and to promote tolerance for this lifestyle.

Boy, is this whole thing misguided, to say the least.

You don't take cartoon characters and give them attributes they were never meant to have. You have real, human role models do that, not made up ones.

It is ridiculous, but this situation wasn't the first related to this issue.

For years, rumors have flown that Batman and Robin share more between themselves than just the Batmobile.

And there have been stinks with other made-up characters, including those on SpongeBob SquarePants.

It is incredible what people can see when they want to see something. They see things that simply aren't there.

And this is the problem with sexualizing cartoon characters.

Unless this attribute was put in by the creators of the character, then it isn't there.

From my comic collecting and reading days in my childhood, I seem to remember that the then-modern day Flash, whose alter-ego was Barry Allen, was one of the first superheroes to be married, and for a while at least, it was integral to the plot. Allen was constantly nagged by his wife when he had to go out and perform his duties. She wanted him to quit and return to being a normal husband.

Thus, the creators of the characters gave their creation some sexuality. We assume that he is heterosexual, although that is not really part of the plot, and he is married.

As a young reader, I don't think I really thought about this matter one way or another or at all. I just liked the Flash and his ability to outrun anything on earth.

Sure, I am starting to get clinical here, but that is exactly what those dummies behind the Bert and Ernie thing are doing too. They are giving puppets human characteristics.

But again, they are puppets.

They are not heterosexual, they are not homosexual, they are not sexual at all.

And let's leave it at that. Please.