Rant #2,138: Itsy Bitsy, Teenie Weenies, Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

Well, not quite, but keeping in the spirit of the title of my previous posts, this kind of fits.

My question as we open the week is this: why is it so difficult for women to find a bathing suit that they like?

I had an interesting experience this weekend, going with my wife to buy her a bathing suit for the summer and for our cruise vacation, which is in September.

I figured I could kill the proverbial two birds with one stone by getting this done with her--get her a new suit for the vacation, and get her a nice Mother's Day gift at the same time.

We went to one store that she likes to go to, not just for bathings suits but for other articles of clothing, and there, right in front of us by the registers, were rows and rows and rows of ladies' bathing suits.

Admittedly, most of whatever they had were suits made for, let's say to be nice, larger women (in the old days, one might say fat or obese, but in these body-shaming times, I won't go there).

Anyway, my wife couldn't find a suit, and eventually, sifting through what they had, she found two or three that she thought would have been OK--tankinis, not the one piece suits she was looking for but as close to that as possible--and she then went to try them on.

Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than a man standing outside this area waiting for his wife to try on clothes. There was no chair to plop myself down in, nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

Every woman that went in there was probably wondering why I was standing there, but maybe not. I am sure their own significant others probably had the same experience I did, but this time, I did not see a single woman who had her man with her. Just me.

Finally, my wife came out, and said that two of the suits were too big, and one was OK, but she was not satisfied with it. The suits were either too small on the top, too big on the bottom--the tops and bottoms are separate, of course, and with separate prices, of course--and while one was OK, she was not happy with the one she had found.

This entire process took about 45 minutes, and she then sifted through the rows again to try to find something, but again, the majority of suits were made for more "robust" women.

I finally said to her, "How about we go to another store to look for a suit?"

She hemmed and hawed, said she didn't really need a suit anyway, but after spending 45 minutes--and now going on an hour--in this process, I was not going to back down.

I wanted to go to the store that, ironically, a few months back as she was looking for other clothes, she happened upon a couple of bathing suits that she actually liked, but, "I don't think I would ever buy a bathing suit here."

But she agreed to go to look for a suit at this store, so we drove over to the venue, maybe two or three miles away from where we were.

We go to the store, and almost immediately, she found two suits--one pieces this time--that she actually loved. We went to that store's dressing room, and again, I waited for her to try them on.

There was a chair at this room--a couch, actually--but it was occupied when we were there, so I had to, once again, put myself somewhere until my wife came out, which is what I did.

The woman occupying the couch got up when the person she was waiting for was done, and I literally fell into the seat--

Only to have my wife come out, filled with glee--SHE NOT ONLY FOUND ONE SUIT THAT SHE LIKED, BUT SHE FOUND TWO!

(No, not the one in the photo.)

She was elated, as was I, and I agreed to buy both for her. At that point, if she had taken four or five to try on, and she liked them all, I would have probably bought all of them for her, because I, too, was so filled with happiness that this excruciating process had finally reached its end, about 90 minutes after we had started this trek.

Heck, I even than bought her a shirt she wanted ... yes, I had fulfilled my quest!

As a man, once in a blue moon do I get a new bathing suit, and normally, it is simply bought for me--no, I don't even have to be there--and that is that.

But with women, it is a different mechanism. Because the suit has to cover the entire torso one way or the other depending on the suit, it becomes a while process to find one that fits on the top, fits on the bottom, and looks good too ... I guess.

Maybe I should not have gone with her, and just said that whatever she found I would pay for, but to me--and in particular, for something that I was going to give her as not just something she needed, but as a gift for Mother's Day--it would have been so impersonal and kind of lazy to do that, so I went with her.

Thank goodness she finally found not just one suit, but two, and also found a shirt that she liked.

I am done ...

Although I thought I was.

As we were walking through the store, we came upon the electronics section, and we just went in for a look.

To my surprise, they had new, discounted vinyl LPs, and I saw a Jimi Hendrix album that I just had to have, so that went into our cart.

Then we went over to the food section, and we found some things we just had to have there ...

And we finally got to the checkout line, and smartly, I had shoved a plastic bag into my back pocket, so we wouldn't have to pay five cents for one, we filled the bag up with our newfound treasures, and we left the store, totally satisfied with everything we bought.

Yes, the day was somewhat excruciating, but I guess we both ended up getting what we wanted as we left the premises.

Thank goodness that was done and over with. With two suits in hand, my wife won't need another one for a few years at the very least.

I will not be counting the days until the next bathing suit search, that's for sure.

Not having anything to do with this, but I have some personal business to attend to tomorrow, so I will next speak to you on Wednesday, and no, it has nothing to do with bathing suits.

See you then.