Classic Rant #277 (June 15, 2010): A Name By Any Other Rose

Researchers have found that the name you are given when you are born has the potential to haunt you for the rest of your life.

According to a new bit of research done in England, an unusual or unpopular name can screw up a kid all the way into adulthood. What is even more interesting is that parents who gave their kids these idiotic names often come to regret their choices.

According to the research, 20 percent of these parents later wished they could choose a different name for their kid.

And "cross-dressing" names leaves a bad odor too: boys with names traditionally given to girls are more likely to act out as they grow older. However, girls with masculine names are more likely to study math and science, areas that boy generally excel in compared to girls.

Whenever I hear about a kid being born and given an idiotic name (re: Apple), I have to cringe. Parents think they are being cute, but they are not. Giving a kid a name that makes him or her stand out like a sore thumb among their peers is something like a subliminal form of child abuse.

Many celebrities think they are above everyone else, and they give their kids the most ridiculous names imaginable. I remember that David Bowie named his son Zowie and Abbie Hoffman named his son America. When both kids came of age, they changed their names.

I wonder why? Obviously, they had more brains than their parents.

Sure, you don't have to name your kids with the most popular names around. But why would you name a kid Pete if your last name is Moss?

Looking back, there was a teacher in my grammar school whose name was Mrs. Moss, and darned if her son's name was Pete.

How can you do this to your kid? Are you not thinking?

Personally, I don't like my legal first name, Lawrence, but I love my nickname, Larry. I think my middle name, Scott, is terrific.

I think my parents made the right choice. They obviously were thinking when they chose my name.

But some parents choose their childrens' names as if they were picking a name for a dog or cat or fish or gerbil.

As this research suggests, they are just plain stupid. Maybe they are ignorant, too.

I will give them a name: how about Jackass? See how they like it.