Classic Rant #828 (October 22, 2012): Annette's Birthday

Every summer, when my family and I are ready to go on vacation, I highlight this right here with a picture of Annette Funicello in a bathing suit.

I seem to think that having a picture of her here in a swim suit signifies that summer is finally here for myself and my family.

Today marks her 70th birthday, and while her current quality of life isn't as good as one would hope it would be, her life has been a special one.

As one of the original Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeers, Funicello's popularity was one of the earliest instances of the power of television.

Kids tuned in daily to watch her and her fellow Mouseketeers, and parents tuned in to see Funicello literally grow up in front of the camera, from a child to sort of a woman-child.

Because of her obvious talents--and yes, those included her physical attributes--she became the star of the sho, and was maybe the first kid star of the new television generation to get such coverage by the mainstream press.

It just shows how good genes can really make you a star.

But she backed up her good genes with lots of talent, scoring not only with TV audiences, but also with record fans.

She placed 10 songs on the Hot 100 between 1959 and 1961, including a couple of major hits, such as "Tall Paul," "O Dio Mio," and "Pineapple Princess."

During the pre-Beatle years, she was one of the top female singing stars.

But she was no longer a kid. She was a woman, and she had to move into roles that signaled that she was no longer a little girl anymore.

With her musical career fading, she became the belle of the beach movies, those mid-1960s youth fests that showed plenty of flesh without showing much of anything.

Made on the cheap, movies like "How Do You Stuff a Wild Bikini" and "Beach Blanket Bingo" made millions, and Annette and Frankie Avalon led a troupe of viral kids in these movies.

Lots was suggested, but these movies were often as tame as "The Mickey Mouse Club" was.

But they showed Annette in her bathing suit throughout the films, which was great for the box office.

Later, she got married in real life, had a family of her own, and moved out of those films, but became a big star in TV commercials, including for Skippy Peanut Butter.

When she pitched something, you bought it. Her credibility factor was quite high.

Launching a film comeback in the 1980s with the highly successful "Back to the Beach," something was found to be amiss with Funicello's health.

She was found to have multiple sclerosis, and the disease quickly sapped her of her strength. She can no longer walk or speak, from reports that I've read, and she needs around the clock medical care.

She has fought a brave battle against various health issues for the past quarter century or so, and every once in a while, her name gets into the news.

There was a house fire a few years ago that nearly killed her, but she continues on.

Although she has been ill for so long, Funicello continues to be a popular figure on the Web.

Her Facebook site--unofficial, and not run by her or her family--has thousands of members, and her recordings continue to be re-released on CD.

And "The Mickey Mouse Club" is out on DVD, and occasionally gets airings on TV.

So now reaching 70, Funicello has hit another personal milestone.

Here's to Annette, and I hope that her quality life is as good as it can be for the rest of her life.

She deserves it.

Rant #2,174: Backtrack

Yesterday, our country celebrated another grand birthday.

As a nation, we collectively looked back at the history of this country, and celebrated just how great this country is by having the day off, going to barbecues, swimming, watching baseball and being with family.

It was a pretty nice, relaxing day for myself and my family.

We swam, we barbecued, we watched baseball, and I personally didn't even use my car once yesterday, certainly a rare occurrence for me, as I probably use my car about as much as I use my television, for comparison's sake.

While probably 99 percent of the nation was having fun yesterday, there is always a group of people who revel in being miserable no matter what the day is, no matter what else is going on around them.

They cannot put it away even for one 24-hour period.

Let me talk about the complainers on Facebook first.

When I don't work, I usually stay away from Facebook. Let's be honest with it, Facebook is the perfect time waster. Yes, it allows you to speak to people very easily, but it also allows users to waste a lot of time, and it certainly eats up a lot of time for me during the work week.

But yesterday, I went on fairly briefly during one stretch, just to see what was on there and if I needed to personally address anything.

I got the usual crabbers who just simply bathe themselves in hate and venom, and pretty much don't stop no matter what day it is.

They complain about everything under the sun, blame one person in particular for everything--I will leave it to you to figure out who that person is--and for anyone that crosses them, has the audacity to bring up another viewpoint, gets castigated beyond belief.

Then there are those who really cross the line, those who show venom for this country because they somehow have positioned themselves to not fit in, and it usually has to do with race.

These people blame this country for every ill imaginable, use their race as their shield for their hatred--they are "oppressed" so they can say anything they want against anybody, even if it is highly racist--and again, if you disagree with them, you get verbally beat up with some of the foulest language imaginable.

These people are certainly mentally ill, and although I hate to use this "easy way out" for their actions, I will anyway: if you don't like it here, if you feel like a third-class citizen here, then please, please, please, find another place to call home.

And then off of Facebook, you have people who are beyond miserable, who suffer from severe mental illness, and who live to disrupt the flow of things that make this country what it is, which is the greatest country in the world.

That fool who basically highjacked the Statue of Liberty yesterday, a person who was supposedly protesting immigrant rights with her actions, actually set her cause back eons because of her behavior.

She managed to close the statue and its environs for hours because of what amounted to a sick publicity stunt, she put not only herself in danger but also those police who were called to get her off of the statue, and she cost taxpayers millions of dollars by her idiotic actions.

She was even disowned by her own organization--who had protested earlier and were all arrested--and officials of this organization claimed that she did all of this on her own.

That may be true, but what did she accomplish?

As she was carrying out her publicity stunt, hundreds of people were gaining citizenship legally in several different events around the country. These are people who went through the long, arduous process to gain legal citizenship.

And what does the statue sitter--herself an immigrant, according to news reports--say to these people, people who love this country so much that they went through the entire process for citizenship without any handouts?

Yesterday was a glorious day for our country, in spite of those who wanted to ruin it.

And again, for those who disdain this country, blame a certain person for all of its ills, and pretty much are miserable people themselves, there is a remedy to their ills.

Set up shop elsewhere, and see if you are happier there than here.

I guarantee that 99 percent of those people trying this will be back "home" by next year's July 4 celebration.

Classic Rant #827 (October 19, 2012): Crystal Kristel

I am sure you have heard that actress Sylvia Kristel, who will be forever known as the star of the 1970s erotic "Emmanuelle" film franchise, died at age 60 from cancer.

The 1970s were a different time indeed, for sexual awareness.

Coming off the free and easy 1960s--when many sexual taboos were blown off the map--films began to reflect this new atmosphere.

Just about everything was a go, and nudity and sexual permissiveness were now the norm, not the exception.

Suddenly, it was OK to see an X-rated movie with your partner, and films like "Deep Throat" were playing to packed audiences away from Times Square.

But those films were still found to be too raunchy for many local movie houses, so right around the corner came soft core films like "Emmanuelle," films made in Europe which promised a bit more than they actually delivered.

Lots of nudity, lots of grunting and groaning, but little else.

Kristel was a statuesque beauty who had to be persuaded by her boyfriend to do these movies. Tall, thin and with long legs, she became the fantasy of many, although the movies were pretty wretched, by any standards.

But they made money, and she set the groundwork for numerous other actresses to portray the title characters over the decades--yes, decades.

Just check out late-night cable TV on the movie channels, and you will find that "Emmanuelle" movies are still being churned out, with different actresses playing the leading role.

And they pretty much follow the same format--a young, innocent beauty introduced to sexual pursuits by others.

Sure, there has been an "Emmanuelle In Space," or something to that effect, but generally, the movies follow the pattern I described.

Kristel made many other films, most of them soft core ones like "Emmanuelle," and even made a few films in the U.S.

But her life kind of faded afterward, and she fell into drink and drugs, only to emerge most recently behind the scenes as a director.

But to many, she will always be Emmanuelle, and even if those films were pretty awful, they made plenty of money, and isn't that what the bottom line is in the entertainment field anyway?

(P.S.: And congratulations to the Tigers. They beat my Yankees, and gave them a real good whipping. Onto the World Series ... .)

Rant #2,173: America

Tomorrow is July 4, a big day in our country, recognized as our country's birthday.

So if I did my math correctly, tomorrow, this country is 242 years old.

And for a 242 year old, we are holding up pretty well, although there are people out there who want to divide us, who want to destroy what we have here.

Let them try.

As a nation, we have the resolve to quash any attempt to put us down, whether internally or externally.

We still have lots to learn about what motivates some people to despise this country so, but for every person who hates this country, we have thousands who want to come here, settle here, and live their own versions of the American dream.

So this country can't be that bad; in fact, it remains the greatest country in the world, where your dreams can come true.

Sure, luck plays a big hand in all of this, but the thought is that this is the country where we are most likely to reach our goals, to live, like my father says, "the good life."

I am going to rerun an edited version of Rant No. 996, July 3, 2013, because I think it gets to the essence of the holiday for me.

So here it is, in edited form.

"What are you doing on July 4?

Well, what I can say is that I am doing next to nothing, which I think is pretty good, at least for me.

I don't have to go to work, so at least I can get off that hamster track for one day.

Thus, if I don't have to go to work, I can pass on two things that I abhor: wearing a tie and shaving, at least for one day.

I can sit at home and do little or nothing, which is exactly what I plan on doing.

Anyway, I will probably watch some baseball on TV.

Baseball and July 4 go together like peanut butter does to bread.

You thought I was going to say "and jelly," but I hate jelly.

Anyway, we will have a barbecue.

Barbecues and July 4 go together like ... well, like peanut butter to bread.

We always have a barbecue on July 4, because it is the traditional thing to do.

My wife, who doesn't eat much red meat but is not a vegetarian, eats her one beef hot dog that day.

Hebrew National, of course.

I like Nathan's hot dogs, but Hebrew National is my choice for the best commercial hot dog on the market today.

It simply tastes better than other hot dogs.

And it is kosher, supposedly, so it is held to a higher manufacturing standard.

Later that night, we will hear fireworks all around us, and we might watch fireworks on TV.

I am not as excited by fireworks as some people are.

To me, it is little more than a lot of noise.

And then, that will be July 4 for me.

Then, we will all go back to work, and it will be as if July 4 never happened."

So that is my July 4, pretty much my July 4 each and every year, a day I look forward to.

I hope you have as good a time as my family and I will on the holiday.

Speak to you again on Thursday.

Classic Rant #826 (October 18, 2012): Mad Libs

Larry Sloan has died.

No, you probably don't know who he is, but you probably knew what he did better than who he was.

As a kid growing up in the 1960s and 1970s, there were these very thin paperbacks that you could buy at any stationery shop in your neighborhood for $1.

You would buy them when you had parties, or just to use when you had a lot of time on your hands.

You would open the thin book up, and there were stories in there with spaces for missing words.

The story would ask you to replace the missing spaces with words for "a verb' or "an adjective," but when done the right way at parties, the people giving you the verbs and adjectives had no idea what the story was about, and thus, their verbs and adjectives often didn't make sense, leading to funny stories read aloud.

The ultimate parlor game, Sloan helped to develop the "Mad Libs" line of paperbacks, books which sold millions and millions of copies over the decades.

Sloan was actually the third partner brought in to help develop this series, which was actually created by two TV writers, one being Leonard Stern, who went on to help develop "Get Smart."

The other was Roger Price.

These guys were nerdy as all hell, but they had one common love: of words and their meanings, and they turned that into "Mad Libs."

In today's Internet age, "Mad Libs" are still around, but I doubt they have the impact that they had way back when.

They do have an official web site, http://www.madlibs.com/, which is a fun site to visit.

I remember kids' parties where it was almost a given that we would play "Mad Libs," and the results were funny.

The definition of what is "funny" have changed over the generations, so I don't know if a "verb meaning movement" would have as much impact today as it did back then.

Do kids even know what a verb is today?

That aside, Sloan and his partners' love of words have endured for generations, and while his passing probably gets nothing more than a footnote in the annals of world history, in word history, his passing is at the top of the list.

(Noun) is my favorite blog, and (noun) (verb) every day.

Nah, it's not the same, but I think you get my (noun).

Rant #2,172: Hit Me With Your Best Shot

The New York Yankees are in first place by percentage points in the American League East.

They beat the hated Boston Red Sox 11-1 last night, leapfrogging over the team from Beantown just like they leap frogged over the Yankees the previous evening, when they beat the Yankees.

The Yankees won two of three games between their hated rivals, and now own the best record in baseball.

I am happy as we near the mid-way point of the season, but yesterday made be especially happy.

The Yankees hit six home run yesterday evening, three by Aaron Hicks, but one of those six homers will stand out over the others whatever happens this season.

The story of Kyle Higashioka is an interesting one.

The catcher, a long-time minor leaguer who is in an organization with two of the best catchers in baseball ahead of him in the depth chart--Gary Sanchez (offense and arm) and Austin Romine (defense)--was pretty much stuck at the minor league level, and a thought was never rendered that he would be called up this season for any reason, in particular because he was hitting below .200 at the Triple A level.

Then Sanchez, who was having a subpar year to begin with, got hurt, and the Yankees needed another catcher. Enter Higashioka.

Like last season, he was called up more as an emergency catcher to back up Romine while Sanchez mended for a month or so. He would probably play maybe once a week, at most, twice a week.

Last season, Higashioka went hitless in 18 at bats, not quite the major league record, not quite the Yankees record, but heck, even pitchers get hits every once in a while when they bat.

So he played in a game or two this season, and the futility continued to being hitless in 22 at bats, including his first at bat last night, when he struck out looking.

He was approaching a Yankees record, which I believe was 0 for 27 that Dave Bergman posted 30 years ago or so. Bergman went on to have a decent career with other teams, but that is how his major league career began.

Whatever the case, Higashioka strode up to the plate in the fourth inning, and people knew this wasn't Aaron Judge coming to the plate, it was the guy who was 0 for 22.

David Price, the Bosox pitcher who had little in the tank last night--he had already allowed three home runs and was down 6-0--threw a pitch to Higashioka, and wouldn't you know, as announcer John Sterling often says, you can't figure out baseball.

Higashioka swung at the pitch, and bat met ball--it carried down the left field line, hugged the line and went into the seats barely fair.

The catcher had his first hit, his first home run, and the sell-out crowd absolutely went wild.

The call from Sterling, who is known to characterize players who hit homers with oftentimes mildly poetic praise--was one of his best of all time due to its simplicity.

He could not have prepared for Higashioka to hit such a blast, and again, this wasn't Judge--who hit his own homer earlier in the game--or even Aaron Hicks, who hit three of them in this contest.

Sterling simply said, "Yes, Higa-shioka ... the home run strokah!"

You can witness all of this at https://www.mlb.com/cut4/john-sterlings-call-of-kyle-higashiokas-first-home-run/c-283870542

And besides that, when Higashioka came back to the dugout after rounding the bases, he was met with one of the all-time best silent treatments.

It appeared that no one was paying attention in the dugout, it was lifeless as can be as he walked down the steps to get his catching gear for the next inning.

But after a couple of seconds, the team seemingly came out of nowhere, jumping all over him, giving him high fives and showing how happy they were for the catcher.

He now joins some elite company as one of group of players to have his first major league hit be a home run, including Judge, who happened to do it in his first major league at bat two years ago.

For Higashioka, it will be a moment he can tell his grandkids about.

How many other opportunities he will get is questionable.

Sanchez is scheduled to be ready to return in two or three weeks, and unless there is a setback--or something happens to Romine--Higashioka will be going back to the minors, and we might not see him again for a while in a New York Yankees uniform.

But whatever the case, he got a major monkey off his back with his blast, and it was a fun moment in the game for the Bronx Bombers, who have hit 137 homers thus far, the most in baseball at this point in the season.

The fans also loved it, and now the name Kyle Higashioka will be part of a trivia question--what Yankees homered for their first major league hit?--and another trivia question--what players homered for their first major league hit?

Zip for 22? Few will remember that.

Classic Rant #825 (October 17, 2012): (You Don't Have To) Paint Me a Picture

Yes, my Yankees are on the blink of obliteration.

The Presidential debates took place in my back yard yesterday, but I fell asleep as they were about to start.

My day started with no hot water, and later yesterday morning, something leaked out of my lunch bag onto my pants, creating a stain that I could not fully remove.

Woe is me.

But I can always go back to my record collection to get back to reality.

Today, another one of my lost treasures that I am going to talk about is one of the hits from Gary Lewis and the Playboys.

Gary Lewis and his band were one of those acts that were made for the mid-1960s.

Lewis was born with something of a silver spoon in his mouth, as the son of comedian Jerry Lewis, but he chose to take a different show biz turn than his dad.

His band got a gig at Disneyland, and not using his connections, became very successful there. They were signed to a recording contract by Liberty Records, and the story goes that only then did the label discover that Lewis was Jerry's son.

Lewis and his bandmates were one of the hottest American rock acts from 1965 to about 1967, when he was drafted into the Army. Lewis resumed his career after his discharge in 1968, but it was never the same as those first glory years.

Bursting onto the scene with the No. 1 hit "This Diamond Ring," Lewis and his band followed that up with a string of big hits, including "Count Me In," "Everybody Loves a Clown," and "She's Just My Style."

Nothing too heady about these songs, but they were pop-radio ready, and were huge hits for the time.

In October 1966, the string was starting to run out on Lewis, but he was still charting hits.

"(You Don't Have To) Paint Me a Picture" reached No. 15 on the charts, a pretty big hit, but not up to the standards of his previous 45s.

It featured something of a staccato delivery by Lewis, not one of the most gifted singers to begin with, but it had a lilt that I kind of liked.

It got lots of airplay, and it was his last Top 20 hit before he went into the service.

And yes, that's my original picture sleeve of the song, which still looks pretty nice.

I remember him appearing on "The Ed Sullivan Show" in sort of a semi-official sendoff for him into the Army.

If I remember correctly, Sullivan allowed some of Lewis' fans--female fans--to come up to the stage and give him one last kiss before he left them.

He came back from Vietnam, happily, and continued to put out records, mainly under his own name.

Lewis had one last Top 20 hit, "Sealed With a Kiss," featuring probably the worst lead vocal of any song to reach such a height on the charts, which made it memorable, sort of.

Anyway, after a couple of more singles and albums, Lewis went on the oldies circuit, and he is still on it today.

This particular single may have represented just about the last gasp of Gary Lewis and the Playboys as a hitmaking machine, but it also represents a different time, when your music didn't have to be deep, full of layers of instruments, and devoid of fun.

This single is fun, and I am glad I re-discovered it.

And yes, the title of the song does signify to me that "you don''t have to paint me a picture," but things look pretty bleak in Yankee land right now.

All one can do is hope for a miracle, I guess ...