Rant #3,154: Love All the Hurt Away

Well, I am back—

And so is my mother.

In one of the most excruciating, yet joyous days of my life, we brought my mother back home yesterday.

It was a very long and difficult day for my family and I, but somehow, we brought her back home, hopefully to live out her days where she is most comfortable, in her own home.

The day started out very badly for me.

I had an early appointment for blood work for an upcoming doctor’s visit.

When I went to check in, I discovered that my driver’s license was not in my wallet—so for the first time in 50 years of driving, I lost my license.

I looked all around for it, to no avail.

It could be anywhere, but since it is not in my wallet, it is lost.

I scurried down to the local Department of Motor Vehicles office, and within minutes, I had a temporary license—the new one should come in the mail in two weeks.

I guess there is a first time for everything.

And then later in the day, when I found out that my mother was going to be released from the hospital, I drove there, but it took several hours for her to actually be released.

My sister got there first, and since my mother was in the hospital for nearly three weeks and had undergone rigorous testing and major surgery, there were lots of things my sister and I had to do to get her out of there, and will have to do to make her time at home worthwhile.

We supposedly have a woman coming in during the next couple of days, but I foresee the evenings as the biggest challenge, because at least right now, my mother will be alone, with no help watching over her.

So a lot of her upkeep will be on my sister and I for those off hours, and primarily on me, since we are both living under the same roof.

With all that had to be done yesterday, I barely ate much of anything, and running on mainly Coca-Cola, I finally was able to sit down and somewhat relax sometime after 9 p.m.

I have no idea when my sister was able to turn off her own motors, but it was probably at a similar time.

And consequently, even though I supposedly went to sleep myself at 10:30 p.m., here I am, it is sometime after 2 a.m., and I cannot sleep at all, so I figured I might as well write myself to sleep, which I often do when my worry level is on high, and that level is off the charts right now.

I honestly do not know how we are going to manage this situation.

We want my mother’s quality of life to be as high as possible, but she has literally been through hell the past nearly three weeks, and even to get her from my sister’s car into the house was an incredible feat.

She had to be almost lifted out of the car, and while she did do some walking as she went into the house, she simply cannot maneuver around like she used to …

And then there are the 24-hour, around the clock needs that she is going to have, and I just don’t know how I am going to pull this off.

I want her to be as comfortable as possible, but I have things that I must do myself—all compounded by my wife not being 100 percent just yet as she battles the aftermath of her head injury and numerous other issues that I have to deal with now and into the future—and I simply do not know how this is all going to work out, in particular at night and during the early morning.

I am clearly up right now so early in the morning because I am over-tired and over-worried about my mother, but I don’t know if I am up to the task of taking care of her during these early hours.

At this point, we probably need around-the-clock help for her, but since we don’t have that help at this point, the onus is going to be on me during these early hours.

I just don’t know if I can do what she needs for her to be comfortable.

I have so much on my mind right now that I am ready for my head to burst.

I feel exhausted, worn out, and not at the top of my condition, proven by the fact that I somehow lost my driver’s license for the first time ever.

I can’t sleep, as I admit that this whole business is overwhelming.

With the help of my family, I know I will do the best that I can to do the best for my mother, but I hope I can do the tasks at hand so that my mother is comfortable.

She is just so frail, physically, right now, and I feel that I am just so frail, mentally, right now.

It is not a good mix.