Rant #1,511: Slowly I Turn ...

 First off, "L'Shana Tova" to all my Jewish friends on the first full day of Rosh Hashanah.

The holiday, part of the most important sequence of days on the Jewish calendar, signifies, among other things, renewal. We all have room for improvement, and Rosh Hashanah, along with next week's Yom Kippur, signifies a period of reflection.

How can I do better next year? How can I improve during the new year?

These are the questions Jews are asking themselves right about now.

Me, I am working, because I just have too much to do and too little time to complete my tasks. I don't think God will be offended, and I am taking off on Yom Kippur. On the holiest of the Jewish High Holy Days, we show God our determination to improve by fasting, and my rule is "no eat, no work."

Anyway, I want to acknowledge a few more celebrity deaths that have happened during the past few days: Dean Jones, Moses Malone, and Dickie Moore.

Jones was the erstwhile actor who appeared in many Disney films, including "The Love Bug," Malone was a force in the ABA, and then the NBA, for many years; and Dickie Moore was the child actor who was a part of the "Our Gang" troupe and later, gave Shirley Temple her first screen kiss. He defied the so-called "Rascals curse," and as an adult, ran a very successful ad agency and was married to screen actress Jane Powell.

None of these people were Jewish, but we do recognize those who have died during the past year during the various ceremonies of the High Holy Days--including Yitzkah, which is reserved for acknowledging the life, and death, of family members--so I am recognizing these celebrities now away from doing it religiously.

I don't think God will strike me down for recognizing non-Jews who have passed during this holy period.

Finally today, I want to recognize a fellow Jew, Bud Abbott, who along with partner Lou Costello, formed the dynamic comedy duo, Abbott and Costello, a pair who continue to make audiences laugh, laugh and laugh some more through their films and television work.

This past weekend, the Decades channel ran a marathon of the classic TV show "The Abbott and Costello Show," and even though I have the shows on DVD, and even though the shows were edited, I took in numerous episodes of this show this weekend, and boy, did I bust a gut!

This series shows Bud and Lou as two pretty much out of work characters who live in a boarding house run by landlord Sidney Fields.

The boys get into all kinds of skirmishes, buttressed by a terrific supporting cast, including Fields, Joe Besser, Hillary Brooke, Joe Kirk and Gordon Jones.

And we cannot forget Bingo the Chimp, who skates through a couple of episodes, too.

Bud and Lou are terrific as usual, and play off of Mike the Cop (Jones), Fields, Stinky (Besser) and the beautiful girl next door (Brooke) with aplomb.

And Kirk, who like Fields, plays multiple roles in the show--including ethnic grocer Mr. Bacciagalupe--is hilarious whenever he is on screen.

Whether they are trying to find jobs--and when they get them, fail miserably--or simply living life, Bud and Lou make us laugh at life's little foibles.

The show incorporated many of the comedy duo's routines into the storylines, and they really click on this show: "Sussquehana Hat Company," "Niagara Falls," and, of course, "Who's On First?" still make me laugh, even after seeing these routines again and again and again.

"The Abbott and Costello Show" was the original show about nothing, but it really is a show about something: good, clean humor performed by pros--Bud and Lou and their troupe of actors--who knew how to make these things work.

The show is timeless, and I laughed as hard this weekend at age 58 as I did at these shows when I was eight.

Another member of the troupe was somebody by the name of Bobby Barber. Although often not credited, he was on numerous episodes of this show, again, like Fields and Kirk, playing a variety of characters.

Just one look at this guy makes me laugh, made me laugh when I was a kid and makes me laugh now.

Anyway, I will leave you with the Niagara Falls routine, which I think is one of the funniest of the old vaudeville and burlesque routines that Abbott and Costello mined for laughs.

Here it is, by and large, committed to memory after seeing this performed by Bud and Lou numerous times on the show and in the movies. But to get the real gist of this, you have to see it performed by the comedy duo. It is that funny.

Setting the scene on the TV show, Lou is in a jail cell after refusing to pay for a perforated bucket that he went to trial for. He is in the jail cell with this broken man, played by Fields, who has a story to tell him.

"I am a tortured man. That is why I look the way I do. My wife left me for another man. I searched the world over for this man. I went to Paris, I went to Rome. I went to London, I went to Tokyo, I went all around our country to find this fellow, who took my wife and family away form me and made me a broken man.

"After searching the earth for this fellow, I found him, finally found him, at Niagara Falls. I saw him in the distance, and when I was sure it was him, I came closer and closer to my prey.

"Slowly I turned, step by step until I was on top of him, and I beat him to a pulp for taking my wife and my family away from me."

(He attacks the unwitting Costello as if he is attacking the fellow who stole his wife and family from him.)

"Oh, I am sorry. I did not mean to attack you."

(Costello gets up after being pummeled, brushes himself off, and cries for Abbott.)

"Niagara Falls! I lost that man that day, but I continued to pursue him from one end of the earth to the other. I went to Helsinki. I went to Mexico City. I went to--

Costello: Patterson, New Jersey. (This was Costello's hometown, and he mentions it frequently on the show and in the movies.)

"What? I went all around, but I could not find him. Finally, I went back to the place that I had originally found him."

Costello: I know where that was, but I am not going to say it.

"What place was that?"

Costello: I am not going to say it.

"What place are you talking about?"

Costello: Ha Ha. I am not going to say Niagara Falls.

"Niagara Falls!"

(Once again Costello gets pummeled, and he calls for Abbott again. This time Abbott and Costello's attorney, Mr. Mellonhead, once again played by Fields, comes to get him out of jail, accompanied by Abbott. Mellonhead charges Costello with a ridiculous sum to get him out of jail along with 13 cents for the perforated bucket. Costello is not amused.)

Costello: Attorney Mellonhead, do you want a new client?

Mellonhead: "Well certainly."

Costello: Look, he is in the jail cell I was in.

(Mellonhead looks in the jail cell, and winces when he sees the broken man.)

Costello: Look in there at him. And you know where he is from?

Mellonhead: Where?

(Costello whispers in his ear.)

Mellonhead: Niagara Falls!

And the broken man reaches through the bars of the jail cell, grabs Mr. Mellonhead's head, and starts to pummel him like he had done to Costello.

Sure, I didn't recite it word for word, but these routines are so classic that I think you get the gist of this one, and probably know it yourself, anyway.

And beyond the Decades channel showing the program, you can watch "The Abbott and Costello Show" every early morning during the week on MeTV.

At least record it to watch later.

I would say that even more than 50 years after it was originally run on TV, it is still the funniest show ever on television.

And in this new year, we need to laugh, we really do, and this show is the perfect antidote for whatever ails you.