Classic Rant #164 (January 4, 2010): A Real Close Shave

Happy New Year to everyone!

Now I have to go into my first rant of the year. I have talked about this before, but I guess I will do so again.

I hate to shave.

I have hated to shave since the first day that I had to shave, probably when I was 15 years old or so.

It is boring, it is tedious, but if I want to be clean shaven, I have to do it myself.

I shaved today, which is a Monday, the first Monday of the new year. I usually don't shave on Mondays, but since I didn't shave for a few days because of the holiday, I figured I would come in to work clean shaven today.

It got me to thinking about all the time I waste while shaving.

I usually shave about three times a week, pretty much on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Sometimes I deviate from that because of holidays or special occasions, but that is my schedule.

It takes about 10 minutes for me to shave, so I spend a half hour a week shaving, or about 26 hours a year shaving. That is more than a full day! What a waste.

What could I be doing during those 26 hours? Could I be reading a book, watching TV, kissing my wife, talking with my kids, taking out the trash?

Whatever I could be doing, it is time down the drain.

Sure, I could just not shave, you say.

But I have been down that route before, most recently, about three years ago. I had a non-cancerous growth removed from my face--it was as big as a pinhead--and the doctor told me I would have to shave around the spot for about a week or two. I decided that if I couldn't shave my whole face, I would just let it grow. Well, it grew, but I hated it. It looked funny--brown mixed with red mixed with gray--and it itched something terrible.

Consequently, I could not wait to get it off.

Heck, I even shaved when I had chicken pox several years ago (a stupid idea--one of the dumbest things I ever did).

It is even more annoying to me because I don't have hair on my head. I wish that hair would grow, and this hair wouldn't. Why does hair grow on your body only where you don't want it to grow?

So I am still stuck in this dilemma--I hate to shave, but I have to. What is a poor boy to do?

I guess the answer is to do the obvious--shave and shut up!

(And you ladies--how much time do you spend shaving? It has to be more than I spend a week, because I assume you have more places to shave than men do. I feel sorry for you ladies, I really do.)