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Monday, March 1, 2021

Rant #2,602: One Potato, Two Potato



How was your weekend?
 
Mine was not that great.
 
We found out on Sunday that a few family members on my wife’s side of the family have the coronavirus—one probably getting it from the other—and that they are all suffering from it as we speak.
 
I am sure that they will all rebound from it, but it sends a clear message to us that this thing is far from over.
 
I wish all of them the best.
 
I know having the virus warps a lot of things that you take for granted—like your sense of taste and your sense of smell—but I did not know that it can also warp your brain …
 
That is my personal diagnosis, because what is happening in Rhode Island has to be as a result of such a brain warp, because there is no other explanation for it to be happening.
 
I am sure you have read that Hasbro, the Pawtucket, Rhode Island, game company, as decided to make the iconic Mr. Potato Head toy into a gender-neutral spud, and I can only think that their brains have been infected by this mysterious malady that we are battling now as the reason for this.
 
There simply is no other explanation.
 
Mr. Potato Head has been played by every generation of kid—white, black, yellow, brown—since the 1950s, first as simple attachments to an actual potato and then as a complete plastic potato and attachment toy.
 
Kids mixed and matched the attachments, had fun with it—I know that I did—and when our childhood attention spans were tapped to the max, the toy was put away for another time, just like every toy we had when we were growing up.
 
And when we played it, we put in the eyes, the mouths, the moustache, and all the other attachments to our liking, probably putting them in the wrong place at times just to see what it looked like, such as putting the ear where the nose should be.
 
It was funny, it was a toy, and that was the thought process of the two or three year olds or the four and five year olds who played with this toy.
 
Nowhere in its history was a penis attachment included in the toy, but now Hasbro has declared that the “Mr.” in Mr. Potato Head is no more.
 
“Culture has evolved,” said a company spokesman. “Kids want to represent their own experiences. The way the brand currently exists—with the ‘Mr.’ and ‘Mrs.’—is limiting when it comes to both gender identity and family structure.”
 
Yes, three year olds really know exactly what “gender identity and family structure” means.
 
Other comments from the company that I read had to do with the belief that now that the toy was gender neutral, kids could create their own same-sex situations, with a “Mr. and Mr.” Potato Head and a “Mrs. and Mrs.”—or is it “Ms. and Ms. Potato Head”—getting together.
 
Think of the possibilities!
 
I just think that kids of this age have no idea what same-sex unions are, and I think that by foisting this utter nonsense upon them, we are putting supposed adult values—the key word is supposed—onto our children, rather than allowing the to be children.
 
As a culture, we have not learned from previous attempts at stealing our kids’ childhoods away from them, and in doing so, we are creating a sort of “zombie culture” of kids who have absolutely no ability t think for themselves, pouters who want things only one way or they sulk.
 
There was such a backlash about this nonsense that Hasbro later came out with a clarification of its decision, which makes as much sense as the decision itself, which means it makes absolutely no sense.
 
The company announced that while it will be dropping the “Mr.” and
Mrs.” from its name, the plastic potatoes will now retain “distinctive gender identities.”
 
The company said, “While it was announced that the Potato Head brand name and logo are dropping the ‘Mr.,’ I yam [sic] proud to confirm that Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head aren’t going anywhere and remain Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.”
 
Yuck yuck.
 
The greatest comedy writer in the world could not write this, as truth truly is stranger than fiction, that people actually believe that having a Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head is offensive.
 
But what is worse, such decisions are taking away and ruining our kids’ childhoods, the early, formative period of their lives when they are supposed to discover on their own how the world works.
 
The next thing we are gong to see is a Barbie that is in a transitional phase and before your kids’ very eyes, will morph into …
 
Ken.

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