Classic Rant #693 (March 12, 2012): John Carter of Tars

My family and I went to see a movie on Sunday. We don't go to the movies much anymore--too expensive, and lack of films to take the family to--but we decided that this Sunday, we weren't going to vegetate at home.

Oh, how I wish we would have.

We saw probably the worst movie of the year, if not the worst movie I have seen in many years.

Disney's "John Carter," about Edgar Rice Burrough's second most famous character--a distant second to Tarzan, of course--is an absolutely horrid film, overblown with special effects, horrid acting and, ultimately, not making much sense at all.

It is 150 minutes of boredom from beginning to end.

And funny, for a film touted as "the first blockbuster film of 2012," there were about 10 people in the audience besides us.

I can't even really tell you what it was about. It is sort of a cross between "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Star Wars," about interplanetary traveler John Carter, an archaeologist who ends up on Mars, saves that planet, and marries the girl.

And it stars Taylor Kitsch (I kitsch you not) and Lynn Collins.

Yes, it is really, really bad.

And evidently, I am not the only one who thinks this movie is ready for the trash bin already.

"John Carter" opened in second-place at the box office with $30.6 million. That's an awful start based on the $250 million that Disney reportedly spent to make the film, a movie which received generally poor reviews that some think could hurt its long-term prospects.

The movie's salvation could come overseas, where it opened in 55 markets with $70.6 million, giving it a worldwide total of $101.2 million.

"We would have hoped for more considering the larger economics of the film, but are still encouraged with how it's been received by audiences that have seen it and hope to see that generate positive word of mouth for the balance of the run," said Dave Hollis, Disney's head of distribution.

By the way, the top movie was Universal Pictures' "The Lorax" at No. 1 for the second-straight weekend as the animated adventure based on the children's book took in $39.1 million. That raised its 10-day domestic total to $122 million, making "The Lorax" the top-grossing movie released this year.

So, "The Lorax" is really "the first blockbuster film of 2012." Dr. Seuss is laughing about all of this, I am sure.

"John Carter" is an example of movie bloat, where a director is given x amount of dollars and does everything he can to spend every penny--except create an interesting move.

And thank goodness we saved a little money by seeing the non-3D version of this bomb!

On top of that, I swore I was watching an umpteenth rerun of "I Love Lucy" when I was watching this movie.

Why, you say? What's the connection?

Well, it isn't much of a connection, but you know how in "I Love Lucy," when they had a famous guest star on the show, they mentioned his/her name about 100 times in the show--and not just "John," or "Wayne," for John Wayne, but they would say "John Wayne" all those times during the episode?

Well, the name "John Carter" must have been said--and remember, I said "John Carter," not "John" or "Carter"--about 200 times throughout the film, if not more, as if to remind you what you were watching.

Why, I don't know, third base!

At least "I Love Lucy" was funny.

This film is just plain bad. Stay away at all costs.

(And a shout out to my mom, who celebrated her 81st birthday yesterday. She is the greatest mom that there ever was--heck, she put up with me, my sister and my dad through the years, so she has to be great!)