Rant #2,026: Nothing From Nothing

Let's talk about nothing today.

That's right, nothing.

What is happening in the wide world that we live in that is worth talking about?

Well, we have those basketball players, those supposed academic students who acted academically deficient when they misbehaved in China, but I have already spoken about that.

How about the latest sexual hijinks of our favorite entertainers and politicians?

This whole shebang has gotten to be ridiculous, women finally remembering that they were groped, spun around, talked about cheaply, looked at funny, or were actually sexually assaulted years and years ago.

It's Bill Cosby all over again, and half the stuff I don't believe for a minute. The other half, well, once again, where were these women when these sordid events actually happened? Why did they not report these indiscretions right then, and not years later?

I guess they didn't think they were so sordid until now.

And no, I have no skeletons in my closet related to either of these two stories.

I never shoplifted anything, and I never groped or sexually assaulted any woman in my life.

I will tell you a story about my supposed shoplifting episode.

Way, way back, it must have been about 1969 or so, I went to my local card shop in the mall in our community, Rochdale Village, South Jamaica, Queens.

I had been going there since the first day it opened to buy my monthly ration of comic books and bubblegum cards, so I was very well known by the proprietor of the establishment.

One day, I walked into the card shop looking for the latest issue of Superman or Batman or Justice League or Daredevil or Spider-Man or whatever it was.

As I was wont to do, right after I found the comics that I wanted to buy, I would wander to other sections of the store to see what they had available. I often bought magazines there, too, and sometimes other things, like board games and books.

This day, I wandered to the back of the store, where they had small toys stocked, pretty much out in the open.

I looked at some things, and then, didn't find anything I wanted to buy, and proceeded up to the counter to pay for my comic books.

But before I could get there, the proprietor grabbed my arm.

"I saw you grab stuff and put it in your pocket!" he yelled at me.

"You're making a mistake. I never did that!" I yelled back.

Well, he made me clean out my pockets, of both my pants and my jacket.

He, of course, found nothing.

"Hmmphf!" came out of his mouth.

"How could you accuse me of this?" I said. "I am in here all the time. You know me," I said.

I went to the counter, paid for my comics, and that was that.

No apology. No nothing.

If I remember correctly, other people I knew also got nabbed at the same time for supposedly stealing stuff from the store, so I guess they had had some shoplifting episodes at the store, and anyone around a certain age was suspect.

But no, I never took anything from that store, not even a piece of penny bubblegum ... and I continued to go to that store for my comic books and bubblegum cards.

And I never shoplifted anything from anywhere.

So that is my supposed "shoplifting" story, something that I was accused of, but never happened.

So yes, I spoke about nothing today, because I never shoplifted, never groped any women ... it's just not my style.

So when you are with me, you have no reason to think anything like these things are going to happen.

Unfortunately, we have found that some people in this world cannot make the same declaration, and that is truly sad.

Have a good weekend, and I will speak to you again on Monday.